“Maybe We Could Go For A Socially Distanced Walk, Says Man Trying To Cum On Your Face” by Reductress draws specific details from my own life. I’ve spent the months since it was published wondering: How did they know?
On a brisk October day last year, I walked out of a screening of Christopher Nolan’s Tenet at the lovely San Diego Cineplex and was greeted to my phone blowing up with notifications. ‘Reductress’ had posted an article about a supposedly fictitious man whose behaviors, thought patterns, and actions bore peculiar similarities to my own. Friends, family, and acquaintances I hadn’t heard from in a while messaged me with concern: “Is this about you?” “You should sue this woman” “Hey Mr. Ass, STOP STEALING MY MOVES” [editor’s note: this last text was from Norm Macdonald]
Needless to say, I was shocked. So much of the article drew eerily from my own life. I was on Hinge. I told the women I matched with that I was taking the pandemic seriously while secretly harboring a desire to give them facials. My personal life had become fodder for this click-farm of feminist friendly comedy content. But that was just the tip of the iceberg.
From there, I clicked on another Reductress article, titled “Coworker Would Say You Looked Nice But Apparently That’s Not Allowed Anymore” that made my blood run cold. Of course, some of the details in the story were exaggerated or completely false (for example, I’m unemployed) but the implications were terrifying. Frantically, I began seeking out other articles they had written about men. How much of my life had been stolen?
My mouth began to taste of blood as I scrolled further and further down this wretched website. I couldn’t bring myself to even click on articles like ‘I’m Not Looking For Anything Serious,’ Says Man Who Will Rely on You for All His Emotional Support’ and ‘Anti-Semitism Doesn’t Exist,’ Says Man Who Thinks All the World Banks Are Controlled By a ‘Secret Organization.’ It felt like someone was spying on me. These were the most intimate details of my life, and they had been broadcasted out to a coastal, metropolitan, aged 18–35 public — to women in MY dating pool.
What finally made me write this article was a bone chilling, word-for-word recollection of a conversation I had early in the 2020 primary cycle with a female acquaintance. No words were changed, no line was altered, not a letter was out of place. ‘I Just Don’t Think a Woman Can Beat Trump Right Now,’ Says Man Who is the Reason For This’ (https://reductress.com/post/i-just-dont-think-a-woman-can-beat-trump-right-now-says-man-who-is-the-reason-for-this/)
My jaw hit the floor. I couldn’t believe it. Someone with a perfect memory had either transcribed my conversation just after it happened or recorded it. This was a gross violation of my privacy, and someone had done it for the staggering sum of over $30. Money that I feel I am entitled to.
So it is here that I make my plea: give me half of all the advertising money for the Reductress website, and I won’t sue for my life rights. Thank you for reading. Have a good day.
