Gorilla Lifestyle
There is a wealth of information in the new-age manosphere. Endless blog posts, tweets, diet guides, self-help books, and pick up artist manuals can overwhelm even the most disciplined of men. And how can you be sure, sheep that you are, of the quality of the advice you’re receiving?
Today, I am announcing the launch of my newsletter, Gorilla Lifestyle. I will sift through the manure of the modern manosphere, separate the wheat from the chaff, and assemble the best of the best for your weekly digest. All can learn from what I have to teach. Among my diverse readership are alphas, betas, omegas, incels (involuntary celibates), MRAs (Men’s Rights Activists), MGTOWs (Men Going Their Own Way), redpillers, bluepillers, cucks, and even women.
“Why should I listen to this guy?” you may be asking yourself. I have had sex with no less than 12 women, I deadlift 210, and pull down a 5 figure salary at only 25 years old. I am your better, and you should trust me because of this. Onto the meat.
Firstly we have Sucking Off Success, a bi-weekly meditation from lifestyle gurus and brothers Brumpo and Dunklin Tungus. This installment focuses on holding frame at your parent’s funeral. A choice excerpt reads:
You must absolutely suppress any hint of human emotion, because to display emotion is to display weakness. The only exception is that, if you absolutely must, you can punch a hole in the wall of the funeral home during the service. By suppressing all natural inclination to mourn, you may impress your hot cousin or gain a leg up on your siblings at the eventual divvying up of your parent’s assets.
Inspired.
Next up we have a monthly newsletter that began after its illustrious author was permanently banned from a bodybuilding forum in 2009. Though he needs no introduction, here is ‘Karate Jason,’ famous for placing 5th in a midwest regional Tae Kwan Do tournament at heavyweight and claiming to have sired 132 children across the world he has completely abandoned, as he muses on meeting women in the modern age:
The true life meet-cute haunts the simple mind of adult women like a spectre. Despite the prevalence of dating apps, women have been socially conditioned to yearn to meet their soulmate in person, by cutesy happenstance. They want to regale their jealous friends with a tale of how they slipped at the supermarket and fell straight into the arms of a brooding, chiseled maniac. That is why I recommend, when stalking women in public spaces, to always bring a banana peel or similarly slippery object so that you don’t have to rely on her natural clumsiness. However, you must be ready to catch her. If she goes down and hits or head or something, she’ll sue the store, and in turn they will review the security footage to see if there’s anything they can use to indemnify themselves. And inevitably, they will find you littering her path with tripping hazards. Can’t have that.
Learn life. Thank you Karate Jason.
Next on the list we have an anonymous contribution, whose post made it to the top of a PUA subreddit hours before it was banned for telling too many truths (if you want to get technical, the official reasoning behind the ban was “repeated rule violations” and “threats”). Luckily I saved the post from u/Uncircumcised_Chemtrail for posterity and will put an excerpt here:
Women respond to pheromones. Pheromones are produced by diet + exercise (sweat). Therefore, one must adjust his diet to the cuisine of the ethnic group he seeks to infiltrate. If your type is tall blondes, I suggest exclusively consuming the diet of early Scandinavian tribes which consisted primarily of dairy. If you’re into tan skin and dark wavy hair, I suggest drinking olive oil by the gallon and eating plenty of vegetables, fruits, and whole grains, like the great civilizations of the Mediterranean. By customizing your diet to the food classically enjoyed by your “type” you make yourself a member of her “tribe” and remind her of the scent of her father, which are both good things.
Salient.
Coming up next, from a blog called Aesthetic Over Everything and its pseudonymous author ‘Achilles Hapsburg,’ here is an impassioned but logical argument for how going gay is the only true path to becoming straight:
Ask yourself this: if you could press a button tomorrow and never have to interact with a woman again, would you? If the answer is yes, like it should be, then you understand a grave truth: you cannot be straight. Yes, you may have previously enjoyed the fruits of the finer sex, but I ask you this: what is gayer than listening to a woman speak? What is gayer than being vulnerable with a person you are sexually attracted to? Our community holds ancient greek civilizations in extremely high regard; most of our profile pictures are marble busts of the great men of antiquity. The Greeks were the straightest men in history, and they had gay sex constantly. They would fuck each other, they would fuck boys, every guy was sucking each other off all the time. And they, as a civilization, made the greatest intellectual contributions to science and philosophy out of anyone. The message is clear: to be truly great as a straight man, you must only have gay sex.
Compelling.
Before we get into our last entry, I’d like to say thank you to the Office of Cultural Affairs for the Government of the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia and his royal highness Mohammad Bin-Salman, Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia for sponsoring the inaugural Gorilla Lifestyle newsletter. This work would not be possible without them.
The last entry is actually from an anonymous contributor, who impressed me so much with their inquiry, I felt compelled to include them. Entitled “Wahhabism is Based and Redpilled,” this piece explores the pros of converting to the orthodox Sunni sect prevalent in a particular gulf state:
If you long to return to the days of yore when society was more religious, women were docile and subservient, and everything was better for men, oh boy, do I have a religion for you. It’s called Wahhabism, and it is extremely based.
Thanks for reading.
Become better. Taste the Gorilla Lifestyle. See you next week.
