Gorilla Lifestyle: 2nd Edition
Hello, weary internet traveler. Come, sit for a minute.
You are beset on all sides by the cosmic horrors of modernity. The NFL is gay now. A woman is vice president. I have lost every single family court case I have ever been a part of (0–7). There is little respite from this onslaught against masculinity itself, but I beseech you to rest your weary head on this digital bed of animal skins, cozy up to the fire, and cuddle with me while I once again whisper the sweet nothings of the manosphere into your non-elfin ears. Rest assured that I will stoically apologize after your lobe slips into my mouth because I overestimated the distance between us.
Apologies for the delay on the second edition of this newsletter. I have been imprisoned in Moldova for the last 4 months due to a small mixup with my passport and my alleged involvement in a “human trafficking operation.” If it is a crime to try to buy an eighteen year old trad wife, then lock me up (this is what Moldovan authorities ended up doing). I was forced to languish in prison for 4 months because the vast majority of my assets are illiquid (crypto, real estate scams, etc.) and thus unable to be flipped for the quick cash it would take to bribe my jailers. But I’m finally out, thanks to the generosity of fellow Pick Up Artist ‘White_Women_Extinction_WHEN’ who was able to cash app $400 to one of the guard’s phones after I explained my plight. I immediately fled the country, without my 16 — excuse me, 18 year old trad wife. However, it ended up working out because as I later discovered, Moldovans aren’t technically white. Anyway, thank you to all those who didn’t cancel your subscriptions despite the four months of radio silence. Onto the newsletter.
I want to thank the sponsor of this edition, Hulk Hogan’s Summer Camp for Uncles and Nephews, which promises a strengthening of the sacred avuncular bond only a privileged few experience. Over the course of a two-week nature excursion, uncle and nephew pairs will take part in team-building workshops that seek to enhance dark triad traits: brooding, disinterest, and cultivation of mystery. With guest lecturers like Scott Baio and Nassim Taleb, this is one uncle-tunity you can’t afford to miss.
Our first entry this month, from the Substack of disgraced former Evangelical minister and amateur wrestler Ezekiel “The Body of Christ” Giddis, comes an interesting exercise in positive visualization:
“I want you to picture what the federal agent who is currently monitoring your online whereabouts looks like. Instead of the successful, well-adjusted coward nerd you are currently envisioning, imagine instead that it’s a beautiful, busty female agent who gets turned on when you leave a comment on a youtube video detailing your plan to blow up a shipping freighter carrying dildos manufactured in China before they can make it to the United States.”
Inspired.
Next, we have an entry from an incel forum titled “The popularity of the Netflix show You proves that women want to be stalked” by user Irish_Manlet.
“Netflix has just released the internal viewing numbers for the program ‘You’ which is a show about a serial killer who stalks a woman and uses the information he gathers to win her heart. The popularity of this show, combined with its mostly female viewership, is proof positive that women want to be stalked by deranged madman hellbent on winning their affections. Let’s give the people what they want.”
Very interesting.
Next, we have an excerpt from a treatise published by crypto magnate, mink breeder, and former NBA player Bonzi Wells about the power of sneezing loudly.
“Here is a thought experiment: you are standing in line at Chipotle behind five instagram models. You unholster one of the many guns on your person at all times, and fire eight shots directly into the ceiling of the fast-casual dining establishment. What do you think is going through the heads of the instagram models in front of you at that moment? They fall to the ground, duck for cover, and turn their heads to seek out the source of these violent blasts. You have commanded the attention of everyone in the room, and successfully gotten five beautiful women on their knees in a state of hysterical fear, and thus, arousal. Now, lawmakers cannot allow an alpha to fire eight shots directly into the ceiling of a Chipotle for reasons that remain unclear to me. But I posit that you can legally achieve the same result by sneezing suddenly, loudly, and repeatedly until everyone around you is looking at you. Should you yell wildly while sneezing, really putting the back of your throat into it, the same affect will be achieved.”
Bold.
We will finish this week’s edition with the Top Ten Grimmest Men of Consequence, of all time, in descending order.
10. Pol Pot
9. Ian Fleming
8. That one guy who was eaten by Grizzly bears and accidentally recorded the entire thing
7. Joey Chesnut
6. TV’s Andy Daly
5. Norman Mailer
4. ‘The Axeman of New Orleans’ (perpetrator of the unsolved 1918 spree of axe murders in Louisiana)
3. Genghis Khan
2. Jan Ove Waldner
- Saddam Hussein.
I will not explain.
Thank you for tuning into this week’s edition. More to come next week, barring unforeseen complications in my Moldovan extradition case.
