Blog Post #2

Here it is. The highly anticipated blog post #2. My rabid fans have been hounding me for four and a half months since the legendary first post, and now, the tree of my diseased brain bears its fruit. Since it’s July 12 release, Blog Post #1 has garnered unanimous critical acclaim as well as a broad appeal to the working men and women of this country, the everyday Janes and Joes. It is as close to being universally beloved as any piece of art will ever come. It was a post that everyone saw a little of themselves in; there was something in there for Rihanna stans, guys who jerk off, guys who can’t jerk off because they castrated themselves, and people who can’t drive. That’s like 95% of the United States. Anyway, here I am back at the keyboard, tap tap tapping away on what will surely be looked back on with the reverence we now gaze upon the notebooks of Freud, the letters of Hemingway, or the lost works of some equally important female author whose name I can’t remember.

After graduating college in the spring, I have regressed to infancy. I am no longer able to feed or bathe myself, and require near constant attention. I can no longer wipe my own ass. Many “healthcare professionals” have diagnosed me with nothing more than a mild case of being a complete piece of shit. I would respond to their jabs with a line from one of the most iconic movies of the last 100 years (Couples Retreat, 2009 starring Vince Vaughn and Kristen Davis) “I know my truth”.

I no longer singularly despise women because men have begun to voice their disgust with me as much, if not more so, when I am out in public, just trying to live my life. Everyone fancies themselves amateur lawyers whenever I’m simply enjoying a walk (technically a waddle, rickets) in the park. And since when is “leering” at children a crime?

I kicked a dog and it bit me in the leg. I saw it having sex with another dog and it infuriated me to the point where I was forced to physically intervene. Why should a dog enjoy sex when I never will? (fans of the Blog Post series will recall the first post wherein I described castrating myself to become a better ally) I had to go a county over to a different hospital for treatment after I was banned from the local for biting an ambulance driver (she was technically off-duty).

I have a severe vitamin D deficiency.

Thinking about politics makes me want to die. Thanks for reading.